Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
A Raise
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity.
How To Stop Church Gossip
Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business.
Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night.
Do Not Wash Your Hair In The Shower!
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body while you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower.
The Gift
The rich aunt was hurt by her nephew's response to her gift. "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check." "I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."
The Kiddos
A priest was getting ready for a trip to Rome, and a man came to him with a request: "When you get to Rome, could you light a candle for me and my wife? We really want children and the doctor just told us we might not be able to have any." The priest agreed to the request. Ten years later, he ran into the man again in a super market. With him were about twelve kids. "Oh, this is wonderful!" said the priest. "But tell me, where's your wife?" "Oh, she's gone to Rome to blow out the candle."
The rich aunt was hurt by her nephew's response to her gift. "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check." "I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."
The Kiddos
A priest was getting ready for a trip to Rome, and a man came to him with a request: "When you get to Rome, could you light a candle for me and my wife? We really want children and the doctor just told us we might not be able to have any." The priest agreed to the request. Ten years later, he ran into the man again in a super market. With him were about twelve kids. "Oh, this is wonderful!" said the priest. "But tell me, where's your wife?" "Oh, she's gone to Rome to blow out the candle."
Today’s Thought
There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.
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