Friday's Funnies

Coffee

I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.

Fifty Gallons of Milk

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.  "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."  The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"  She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."

Talking Clock

A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," he replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the guy replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three friends stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

Random Thoughts

·        A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired !

·        If you have an opinion about my life raise your hand now and put it over your mouth.

·        A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·        The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

·        I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for always supporting me and my fingers because I can always count on them.

·        Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.

·        Love is like the wind — you can't see it, but you can feel it.

·        I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that everything I see is an optical illusion?

·        I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

·        Do fisherman live in the reel world?

·        I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

·        A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to spell.

·        Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

·        I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Making It Clear

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

The Top 10 Signs Your Pastor Didn't Have Time To Study This Week

10. During the children's service he serves cake and ice cream.
  9. He tells the ushers to take the offering twice.
  8. He asks you to give a 20-minute testimony.
  7. During his pastoral prayer he prays for your government officials – listing every one of them, local, state and national – by name.
  6. He wears his reading glasses for the entire sermon.
  5. The sermon sounds eerily similar to one your heard Chuck Swindoll preach on the radio last Thursday.
  4. Instead of preaching he decides to show slides from his last vacation.
  3. Before preaching he takes 15 minutes reviewing last Sunday's sermon.
  2. Even he is falling asleep.
  1. If you didn't know better, you'd think he was lip-synching to Charles Stanley.

Should Be Obvious

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? Do you actually know? Well, I found out the other day so I will share it with you. She can't sit down.

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to the USA for some sightseeing. On the last day of his trip, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport.  During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”  After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”  And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”  The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet even though this continued for most of the ride. Finally, the taxi arrived at the airport. The fare was US $300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Why… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Taxi Jokes

- Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver.

- What’s worse than it raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

Deck Praise

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.  "Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."  Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"  She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"  She replied, "I said, wow, your neck's burnt!"

Today’s Thought

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.