Friday's Funnies

 Born Politician

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

Clarification

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

How Not to Get a Job

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Close

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

My Son the Attorney

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Don't Bug Me

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, “But we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

Oh

The Sunday School teacher looked at the boy's drawing of a manger scene, which included a large dog was among the animals. The teacher asked about it. "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Insufficient Instructions

Aboard a flight from Los Angeles to New York, Grandma Jeannette was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "But tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Not Tweeting

A man walks into a doctor's and says, "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter." The doctor looks at him and says, "Sorry, I don't follow you."

Dad Joke

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people.

Today’s Thought

I avoid clichés like the plague.