Friday's Funnies

 Unclear Intentions

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys’ efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Short Thoughts

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is my workstation.
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldn't it make sense simply to call a good doctor.
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me: they're cramming for their finals.

Sounds Right

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

High Pressure Zone

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the man explained, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," doc said, "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" The man sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Getting It Right

The Independence Day holiday was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips to correct her: "I'm not free. I'm four."

Grammar!

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student approached her and asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?..."

The Reckoning

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So, Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

Expert Advice

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. We went into city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department. "Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

Today’s Thought

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.