Friday's Funnies

 The Perfect Man

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

Meds

A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, "Take these and you'll feel much better." I reply, "But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!" He says, "Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world."

 

Job Application

I was applying for a job and the employment application clearly stated: "Age of father (if living)," and the same question for my mother.  I put down the figures 105 and 94 in the spaces provided.   The interviewer, Kathy, asked if my parents were truly that old.  I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."

 

Silence Pun

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.  As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!" 

 

Chocolate

~ Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

 

~ To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

 

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.  The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

 

~ Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

 

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?  Don't they actually counteract each other?

 

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

 

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

 

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Now, isn't that handy?

 

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

 

~ REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

 

Rescued

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system the captain announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

The Ten Commandments in Cajun

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

 

Dad Joke

What state has a LOT of dirty laundry? Washington.

 

Today’s Thought

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