Friday's Funnies

 Life Hack

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

 

Rainy Landing

 

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seatmate. "Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!'"

 

10 Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked: "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Bed Time

When I was a kid getting put to bed at 9:00, I couldn't wait until I was a grown-up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. That time is, apparently, 9:00.

 

Language learning

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Forgive my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget my first day of French Language class.

 

Hurt

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) "I can't see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!"

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

 

Breviloquent Facetiousness

 

1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

3. It's weird being the same age as old people.

4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"

7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

10. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

11. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

12. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.

13. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know very well Dad has no idea what's inside.

14. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

15. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly... next week... Turn Signals!

Change Of Times

When I was a girl my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00. I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...too many security cameras.

 

New House

 

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.  "It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

Dad Joke

 

Yesterday I ate a clock, it was very time consuming.  Especially when I went back for seconds.

Today’s Thought

When I grow up I'd like to be a retired lottery winner.