Aggressive Ticket Agent
I think the lady at the airline counter just threatened me. She
looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?" I laughed in her
face and replied, "Window or you'll what?"
Pill Exercise
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.
"Don't swallow these pills," she said. "Instead, spill them on
the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."
Handwriting
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older
fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to
bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting
up today and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly sir,' said the
younger man, "I'd be glad to." He wrote out the address and also
agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the
younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The
old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could
you just add, 'P.S., please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"
Consensus
Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no
one will say individually.
Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on
mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic
depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back
and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand
and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her
roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in
his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so
bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
Birthday Hints
It's my wife's birthday soon and she's been leaving
jewelry catalogs all over the house. She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I
got her a magazine rack.
Two Liners
It's been raining for days, and my wife seems so sad looking
through the window.
If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.
How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero, that's a hardware issue.
Here's a bit of advice for you.
Advi.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me it’s a coincidence!
What's the only thing worse than constant advertisements?
You'll find out right after these messages...
To the guy who invented infinity,
thanks for everything.
I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.
Best trade ever.
I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?
A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone
involved.
I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am okay.
I'd tell you a joke about the PlayStation 5,
but you probably won't get it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his
eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we've been
spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at
the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
High School Reunion
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th
high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to
try on dresses for their school formal. "Gross," complained one girl
loudly to her friends, "this dress makes me look 40 years old!" "May
I have it?" called out the lady. "That's just what I'm looking
for!"
Dad Joke
Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
Today’s Thought
I made a huge to-do list for today. Just not sure who is
going to do it.
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