Friday's Funnies

 

St. Patrick’s Day

• What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock!
• Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover? You might press your luck!
• Why do we wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? Because real rocks are too heavy.
• What kind of music should you listen to on St. Patrick’s Day? Sham-rock and roll.
• Where can you always find a shamrock? In the dictionary.
• What did one shamrock say to the other when it saw a leprechaun? Look clover there.
• What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick’s Day? Game clover.
• What do you say to the smartest person you know on St. Patrick’s Day? You’re very clover!
• What does it mean if you find a four-leaf clover? That you have too much time on your hands!
• What's an Irish jig at McDonald's called? A Shamrock Shake.

 

Doctor Visit

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.  "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.  "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

 

Random One Liners

• How do groups of angels greet each other?  Halo, halo, halo.
• Who was the best business woman in the bible?  Pharaoh's Daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
• What excuse did Adam give his children about why he no longer lived in Eden?  Your mother ate us out of house and home!
• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?  Samson, he brought the house down.
• Does anyone need an Ark built?  Because I Noah guy.
• How long did Cain hate his brother?  As long as he was Abel.
• Who was the first tennis player in the Bible?  Joseph, because he served in Pharaoh's court.
• Where was Solomon's temple located?  On the side of his head.
• Who is the greatest babysitter in the Bible?  David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

 

Sports Jokes

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig? A pork chop.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Coach, my doctor says I can't play football anymore.
COACH: You didn't need to go to a doctor I could have told you that.

What should a runner eat before a race?
Ketchup

REPORTER: How long have you been running for?
TRACK STAR: Since I was eight years old.
REPORTER: Gee, you must be tired.

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a tree?
Spruce Lee

GAME WARDEN: Didn't you see the sign? "It says no fishing."
BOY: I'm not fishing I'm teaching my worms how to swim.

FIRST BOY: Wow it's a run-home.
SECOND BOY: You mean a home-run.
FIRST BOY: No I mean a run-home. You just hit a ball through the neighbor's window.

LITTLE LEAGUER: Dad, what does a pitcher do when he starts to lose his eyesight?
DAD: He gets a job as an umpire.

 

Instilling Good Morals

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.  The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember What Would Jesus Do. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5-yr-old quickly turned to the 3-yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Interview

 

Interviewer: You're asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.

Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing.

 

Dad Joke

 

Apparently, you can't use ‘beefstew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.

 

Today’s Thought

 

The scary part is, someday these are going to be referred to as the good old days.