Quarantine Jokes
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this
quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March
and I've grown significantly since.
What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?
An inside joke.
The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.
Me: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?
She said: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.
The World Health Organization has officially announced
that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from
quarantine. It's safe to say that WHO
let the dogs out.
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but
lacking the time,
this quarantine I discovered that wasn't the reason.
Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The
engineer replied, "In the region of $250,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you
say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car
leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up
straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies,
"Yeah, but you started it."
Math Question
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of
her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million
dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son,
one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each
get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised
his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
Getting Old
One minute you're young and fun. The next you're turning
down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
Laws
You've heard of Murphy's famous law that everything that
can go wrong will go wrong? There are many other related laws. Here are a few:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's
Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute
strength and ignorance. --William's Law
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where
they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's
Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry. --Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law
Deserted Island
Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a
small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that
man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so
upset?" "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but every
year when we pass by here he goes crazy."
Insomnia
A boxer went to a doctor for treatment of insomnia. "Have
you tried counting sheep?" suggested the doctor. "It doesn't
work," replied the boxer. "Whenever I get to nine, I stand up!"
Dad Joke
What did the baby bird say
when he saw an orange in his nest? Look
at the orange mama laid!
Today’s Thought
You know you're into middle age when you realize that
caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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