Friday's Funnies

 

Human Capacity for Misspeak

 

·         Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

·         In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

·         In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

·         In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

·         In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

·         Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

·         Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

·         Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

·         Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

·         Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

·         Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

·         On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn't You Say?

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

See if that works better than a fair trial!

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

 

Kids In Grade School Think Fast

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."

 

TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"

JOHN: In the garden of Eden?

 

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

 

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

 

Today’s Thought

 

I'm starting to really struggle with my New Year's resolution. I ran around the block six times this morning as I had resolved, but I was in so much pain I could barely pick the block up off the floor to put it back in the toy box!