Friday's Funnies

The Ancient Castle

 

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.  "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."  "Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

 

Door Sign

 

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."  The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting. But tell me, what does the sign on the door say?"  The guy replies, "It says, 'Pull.'"

 

Classified Ads in U.K. Newspapers

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

 

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Michelle.

 

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

 

Window Seat

 

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.  The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.  "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I'm requesting!"

 

Children Are Quick

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

 

TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

 

Special 'Southernisms'

Well....Bless my grits and fry my tomatoes!

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them--You pitch a hissie fit, and throw a conniption fit.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish are in "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we stand in "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little heart...!" and go on your way.

Today’s Thought

Alarm clocks are maybe the only device that make you mad in both scenarios, whether they work or not.