Friday's Funnies

July 4th Quiz

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?

At the chopping mall!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What was Thomas Jefferson’s favorite dessert?

Monti jello!

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

LiberTEA!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

No 4^th of July?

Someone told me they don't have the 4th of July in other countries. Seems strange to skip from the 3rd to the 5th, but whatever.

Patriotism

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."  One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

Independence

Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin. She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, "You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber's doctor took out her independence and she's still living."

On The Clock

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Uber Driver

 The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.  For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"  The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.  The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 15 years."

Remembering

A salesclerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the lower prices "in the good old days." His response: "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think they were old enough to remember them."

High Tech Swatter

A piano tuner was at a customer's house recently when he asked if he could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." As the piano tuner later recalled, "I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him."

Middle Age

Middle age is just walking around all day muttering things like...

• "What was I going to say?"
• "What did I come in here for?"
• "Did I already take my pill?"
• "How did I get this bruise?"
• "Why am I sore?"
• "Where did I leave my phone?"
• "Who moved my water glass?"
• "Did the dryer shrink these pants?"
• "That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

Number of States

Old Mr. Smith, the school's principal, made it a practice to visit the classrooms one day a week.  He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Mr. Smith jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."

Today’s Thought

What was the most popular dance in 1776? IndepenDANCE