Friday's Funnies

 

Finding a Husband

 

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"  An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

Eye Doctor

 

A man went to his doctor and said, "Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse."  The doctor asked the man to look out the window. "Tell me what you see," he said, pointing.  "I see the sun," the man replied.  The doctor turned to him and asked, "Just how much farther do you want to see?"

 

Adults

 

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Conflict

 

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.  The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."  The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."  The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."  With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning.  The song leader lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"  As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

 

ChildBirth

 

A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"  "Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.  "Wow," said the kid. "Does it hurt the mother, too?"

 

Heartbreak

 

Me: Sobbing my heart out: "I can't see you anymore...I'm not going to let you hurt me again."

Gym Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up."

 

The College Kids

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student: "Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get an email from him we have to go dictionary.com." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get an email from our son in college, we have to go to the bank."

Goodbye Pastor

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

 

Today’s Education System

 

You know there's something wrong with the education system when only one of the "3 R's" starts with an "R" (Reading, WRiting, ARithmetic).

Football Explained

 

A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience.  "It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."  Dumbfounded, his dad asked, "What do you mean?"  "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' All that, Daddy, for only 25 cents?!?!" 

Things I Learned From Scooby Doo

 

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

 

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

 

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones"

and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

 

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

 

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

 

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

 

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

 

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

 

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

 

Today’s Thought

I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.