Friday's Funnies

Passing Ponderations

- Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?

- Sometimes I feel as lonely as the 3rd verse in a Baptist Hymnal.

Retirement Questions & Answers

When is a retiree's bedtime?  Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?  The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?  Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies?  They're the only ones who have the time.

What do retirees call a long lunch?  Normal.

What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Kiss Goodbye

"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"  "You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."

The Hokey Pokey, Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within, Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Submarines

The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school. The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Geography Genius

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas.  The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"  A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C."   The teacher gave him an A+.

  

Pasta Diet

There's a very effective new pasta diet: You just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping...

Wrong Number

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing?  You must answer the telephone!"

New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

Quotes of the Day

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men in a Boat," 1889

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. - Robert Benchley

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. - Joe Ancis

Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say

- You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood
- It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
- I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
- Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
- You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
- Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
- I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
- Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
- Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
- You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
- "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
- "The good news is... you have termites."
- "Do you happen to have a large net?"
- "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
- "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
- "This could get expensive."

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to be totally partial?