Friday's Funnies

Tried and Trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."  The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Advice for The Asking

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."  Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."  The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."  "Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Two Mothers

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"  "To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."  "Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"  "Ah! Now there's a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

Confused

Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the pearly gates: "For Service Ring Bell."  Away he goes but barely gets started when BING! The bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! The bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! The bell rings again. Peter goes back; again, no one's there.  "Okay, that's it," Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.   Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"  "Yes, that's me," the little old man says.   "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" Peter asks.   "I can't help it — they keep resuscitating me!” he replies. 

For Better or Worse

My husband and I married for better or worse... He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Today’s Thought

We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?