Friday's Funnies

Easter Dinner

Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter Sunday lunch at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away. "Ernie, wait until we say grace," demanded his father. "I don't have to," the five year old replied. "Of course you do, Ernest," his mother insisted rather forcefully. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Ernie explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

Rewards

One Easter a preacher and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. "Oh, wow, thank you," said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the preacher to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and some broken down furniture. "Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the preacher. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a preacher, served at church every day and preached God's word." "Yes, that's true," St. Peter rejoined, "But during your Easter sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."  

What Price a Sermon?

One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons — a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes and a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

A Preacher & His Son

Andrew was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon for the Easter service. "How do you know what to say?" Andrew asked. "Why, God tells me," the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Tax Funnies

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.  "Eight," he replied. The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"  The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

The government is really asking a lot of us this month - first we're supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we're supposed to count how much money we owe them.  I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS.  Sorry, grandma.

Q. How is golf like taxes?

A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

Worried about an IRS audit?  Avoid what's called a red flag.  That's something the IRS always looks for.  For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes.  That's a red flag.

People who struggle with their income tax can be divided into two categories:  Men and women.

I'm not going to pay taxes.  When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say "No, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money.  You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."

Plan For Tax Reform

1. Gather up all of the members of the United States House and Senate.

2. Put them in one large room and lock the doors.

3. Give each "guest" a paper copy of the United States Tax Code, a pencil and plenty of paper. No computers allowed!

4. NOBODY gets to leave the room until EVERY Representative and Senator has completed their own tax returns and PAID their taxes. (Also works for the Secretary of the Treasury)

5. If any member finishes early, he or she may assist another member. Remember, NOBODY leaves until EVERYONE had completed their return and PAID their taxes.

6. Tax reform and simplification will occur during the next session of Congress.

A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"  He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Church Nevers

- Never ask an usher to break a $20.

- Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank.

- Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.

- Never tell the pastor, "We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter."

- During youth group activities, never bungee jump off the church steeple or play chicken with the church buses.

- After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don't follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."

Today’s Thoughts

 - I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried -- but they wanted cash.

- Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you’ve got

- Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.