New Year’s Resolutions
2015: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2016: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2017: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2018: I will work out 3 days a week.
2019: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
New Year's Observations
- A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- My New Year's resolution is 1080p.
- I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
- May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
- Every year I make a resolution to change myself -- this year I'm making a resolution to be myself!
You Know You Are Living in 2019 When...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website or text number at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up just now to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website or text number at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up just now to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2019...
~ Jumping on the bandwagon
~ Wading through paperwork
~ Running around in circles
~ Pushing your luck
~ Playing in traffic
~ Spinning your wheels
~ Adding fuel to the fire
~ Beating your head against the wall
~ Climbing the walls
~ Beating your own drum
~ Dragging your heels
~ Jumping to conclusions
~ Grasping at straws
~ Fishing for compliments
~ Throwing your weight around
~ Passing the buck
~ Running with scissors
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Went vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech….. Driving through a flashing red light.
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Went vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech….. Driving through a flashing red light.
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
New Year's Wish
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and your mortgage interest not rise. May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.
Today’s Thought
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
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