Friday's Funnies

Career Goals

Guy 1:  "Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
Guy 2:  "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector."
Guy 1:  "That's a rather unusual ambition, isn't it?"
Guy 2:  "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays."

Puns & Such

• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Corduroy pillows make headlines.
• Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A backwards poet writes inverse.

You Know You Are Living in 2016 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN # on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.... :-)
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly with whom you are going to share this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Thankfulness In Action

A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle. When he returned he found the cart full with his list on top and a note reading: "I finished your shopping for you. Thanks for helping the community."

Modern Writers' Similes & Smiles

• "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy!' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
• "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
• "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
• "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."
• "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
• "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
• "The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."
• "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free."

Signs Your Pastor Is Addicted To Westerns

~ His sermon on Revelation is titled "Showdown at High Noon."

~ At the end of the service, he replaces altar call with "roundup."

~ Refers to the Deacons Meetings as "a campfire chat."

~ Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.

~ Walks into the pulpit with a hearty, "Hi-Yo Silver"

~ Always refers to his Bible as "my Six-Shooter."

~ Forces ushers to tie bandanas around their faces and pass around ten-gallon cowboy hats instead of offering plates.

~ When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy Pardners."

~ Constantly threatens to preach well past "high noon."

~ He insists on being addressed as "Reverend Duke."

~ Refers to the next churchwide fellowship dinner as "gathering around the chuckwagon."

~ His new three-week sermon series: "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

~ Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung as a call to worship.

Tire Blowout

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"

Today’s Thought

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.