Friday's Funnies

Good news/Bad news

A large, two-engine train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"

Ten Commandments Minnesota Style

You betcha...

   1. Der's only one God, ya know.

   2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.

   3. Cussing ain't Minnesota nice.

   4. Go to church even when you're up north.

   5. Honor your folks.

   6. Don't kill. Catch and release.

   7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.

   8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.

   9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya shoveled.

   10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.

Getting Wordy

• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Protective Father

I'd been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. My mother thought he'd take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely. "A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."

Fifth Grade Assignment

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

• God is like Bayer Aspirin — He works miracles.
• God is like a Ford — He's got a better idea.
• God is like Coke — He's the real thing.
• God is like Hallmark Cards — He cares enough to send His very best.
• God is like Tide — He gets the stains out others leave behind.
• God is like General Electric — He brings good things to life.
• God is like WalMart — He has everything.
• God is like Scotch Tape — You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
• God is like Delta Airlines — He's ready when you are.
• God is like Allstate Insurance — You're in good hands with Him.
• God is like VO-5 Hair Spray — He holds through all kinds of weather
• God is like Dial Soap — Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
• God is like the Post Office — Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
• God is like Maxwell House — Good to the very last drop.
• God is like Bounty — He is the quicker picker upper. Can handle the tough jobs and He won't fall apart on you.

The perfect Pastor

A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:

~ Preaches exactly 12 minutes.

~ Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

~ Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

~ Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

~ 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.

~ Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.

~ A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.

~ Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.

Ministers and Lawyers

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.  "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.  "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"  The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Today’s Thought

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.