Friday's Funnies

Arrest

 

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other.  He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, "Impersonating an office, sir!"

 

Why Dogs Are Better than Kids

 

45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter? -- NOT!

 

Dogs cannot lie.

 

Dogs never resist nap time.

 

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

 

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

 

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...

 

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

 

Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.

 

Please Advise

 

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a test:  “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you!”  The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: “I am on the toilet, please advise.”

 

Lightheaded

 

A friend told an airhead: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The airhead replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

A man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

 

An airhead goes to the vet with the pet goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy," the airhead tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The airhead replies, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

An airhead spies a letter lying on the doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND" - spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

 

A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.  "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

 

A passerby asks an airhead: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

A Poem For Computer Users Over 50

 

A computer was something on TV

From a science-fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean

And ram was the cousin of a goat.

 

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes.

 

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.

 

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

and backup happened to your commode.

 

Cut you did with a pocket knife

And paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was a flu.

 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead.

 

Feud

 

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"  Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"  The wife said,  "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

 

Today’s Thought

 

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?