Friday's Funnies

Lost Phone

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"  I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?"  There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

Dentist's Award

What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A little plaque.

Ice Cream Flavors

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"  "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.  "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.  "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."

Men Quotes

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others." (Henry Youngman)

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'" (Rita Rudner)

"Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks." (Jean Kerr)

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.  One day he arrives home looking downcast.  "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."  His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."  "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."  "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."  So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.  He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"  "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."  "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.  "I don't remember." 

Virtual Reality?

"In the room the curtains were drawn: the rest of the furniture was real."

Never Squat With Your Spurs On ~~ Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation. 

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

Senior Sentiments

• Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere in the first place.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play checkers?
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Today’s Thought

A friend told me she was taking up meditation. I said it was better than sitting around doing nothing.