Friday's Funnies

RIDDLES FOR GARDENERS (The answers are names of flowers)

1. How might you describe a silent person?

2. Name for a lady who marries for riches.

3. Everyone has these on their face.

4. You might find one of these on a safari.

5. An appropriate gift for a banker.

6. A fastener on a single man's coat.

7. A country of automobile lovers.

8. Good name for a guy's biking club.

9. He's an awfully sugary bill.

10. They're the dairy best blooms.

11. A peevish fairytale creature.

12. A woman's nightly footwear.

13. They hate to wait.

14. A fine looking jungle ruler.

15. Cross between a violin and a clarinet.

Answers to Riddle For Gardeners:

1. Mum

2. Marigold

3. Tulips

4. Tiger Lilies

5. Money Plants

6. Bachelor's Button

7. Carnation

8. Cyclamen

9. Sweet William

10. Buttercups

11. Snapdragon

12. Lady's Slipper

13. Impatient

14. Dandelion

15. Violet

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.  Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.  Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' 

Alternative Meanings

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

Noah’s Ark

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

Car Insurance Excuses

- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

- The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

Today’s Thought

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.