Friday's Funnies

USA

Did you hear about the new book out called "United States of America?" It has contributions by Ken Tuckey, Minnie Sowta, Ida Hoe, Harry Zoner, Della Ware, Al Abammer, U Tarr, Tex Hass, Miss Soury, Miss Sissippy, D Troit, Flo Ridder, George Jurr, I Ower, Carol Lyner, Mick Cheegan, Lucy Arner, Indy Hannah, Mary Lande, Cally Fornia and Al Aska.

Figures

Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!" The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."

Calling the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank about my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was, and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.  When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.  "There are 1,500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.  After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.  "Danielle," she said.  "And your last name?" I asked.  "Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

First Music Lesson

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.  The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

You know you're a missionary kid (MK) when . . .

~ You're an expert on the quality of airline travel.

~ You speak two languages but can't spell either.

~ You have a time zone map in your room.

~ You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

~ Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to . . . " five or more times.

~ You never take anything for granted.

~ Your family send you peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas.

~ You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.

~ You see a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are really saying into the camera.

~ You realize what a small world it is, after all.

What?

Three elderly men are walking through the park. The first says, "It sure is windy." The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday." The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."

Backup Plan

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Flattery Will Get You...

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

Why Soccer Puzzles Me

Stupid things actually said by broadcast commentators in the world of soccer:

·         Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

·         He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

·         And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

·         With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

·         Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

·         If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

·         Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

·         I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

·         If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

·         You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. \

Medical Advice

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Today’s Thought

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.