Friday's Funnies

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."

A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out...

~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."

~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."

~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."

~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."

~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse."

~ A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."

Returns

"I don't like to bring this up," said the Doctor, "but that check of yours came back." "I don't like to mention this, either, Doc," said the patient, "but so did my ailment."

Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points."  "Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That’s certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that"s good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."  "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

- you think your computer looks better without the cover.

- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- the salespeople at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are.

- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Punished?

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

Today’s Thought

A new government study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.