Friday's Funnies

Here's Wisdom

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

Religious Horse

A preacher was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is 'Praise the Lord,' and stop is 'Amen.'"  So the man gets on the horse and says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"  The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.  The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"

Diet

Just saw a little blurb mentioning a "plant-based" diet and realized that most of my food comes from plants --specifically Hostess, Frito-Lay, whoever makes Cap'n Crunch, Hershey's, etc., etc.

Meteorologically Speaking

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m."  She got the job.

Copycat

A man in a hurry, taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mrs. Smith

"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"  "I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Today’s Thought

Inflation hasn't ruined everything...A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.