Eclipse of the Moon
Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight.
Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.
Pupil: What channel is it on?
Lessons Learned During Extended Power Outage
* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights
don't work without electricity.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people
realize.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are
painful.
* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the
sound of 14 generators.
* Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is
doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as
long as the batteries remain charged.
* A store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and
generators would make serious money.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
Impossibilities in the World’
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you moron.
Yes officer
A lady who was speeding was pulled over to the side of
the road by an officer. She didn't have
her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before
the officer got to her window. After
talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing
your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Oh, yes I do, officer," she
replied. "Well," asked the
officer, "do you always loop it through your steering wheel?"
Hearing Aid
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
Concert Program
When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."
Leaving Home
While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn't even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him. When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, "Never leave home without your credit card!"
Sooner Than Later
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'!"
Going Out With A Bang
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully and he lived to the ripe old age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
Concert Program
When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."
Leaving Home
While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn't even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him. When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, "Never leave home without your credit card!"
Sooner Than Later
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'!"
Going Out With A Bang
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully and he lived to the ripe old age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Ten Things I Know About You
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your
lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person
and everyone does it, too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else
falls for it.
Today’s Thought
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
No comments:
Post a Comment