Friday's Funnies

A man’s world?

When men are born, their mothers get compliments and flowers.

When they marry, their brides get presents and publicity.

When they die, their widows get the life insurance.

So, tell me: why is it "a man's world"?

THE OLD PASTOR

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask and get the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered with all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

THE FIRE SALE

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

GENERATION GAP

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

GRANDMA KNOWS

Recently, as usual on a Wednesday night, my grandson Andrew, age 5 was attending "Team Kids". The lesson was about charity (love) from I Corinthians 13. The teacher asked, "Who knows what charity means?" Andrew excitedly raised his hand waiving it in the air. His Mother was sitting in the class and began swelling with joy that her son would be so astute at such a young age. "Okay, Andrew", said the teacher, "Tell us what charity is." Andrew proudly replied, "It's when you sit in a chair...!" It made perfect sense to me, but then I'm his grandmother.

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................ A punctuation mark.
D&C......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema....................... Not a friend.
Fester....................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula....................... A small lie.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis....................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........Place to do upholstery.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of you're out

Varicose.................Near by

First child

A man shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the dispatcher.

"NO!" he exclaimed, "this is her husband."

Oops

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Today’s Thought

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.