NASA
When
NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C. The
Russians use a pencil.
Lawyer
A
lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She
rushed in and said, “What is it, honey?” He told her to run and get the Bible
as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea.
She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the
sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes
darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, “What are you
doing, honey?” “I’m looking for loopholes!” he shouted.
Speeding
Rushing
to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway
patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high
school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained. The trooper smiled, and
said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16
m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the
rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?” I replied, “Taking that
total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids
who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere
without teachers, I’d say zero.” He handed me back my license. “Math was
never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”
Why
are you staring at me?
A
fellow hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged
to bring their children. All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter
stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her
food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted
his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to
just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her,
"Sweetie, why are you staring at me?" The table went quiet for
her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you
drink like a fish!"
- Include
Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police
Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety
Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets
Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor
of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head
Seeks Arms
- Eye Drops
Off Shelf
- Teacher
Strikes Idle Kids
- President
Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too
Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners
Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Neologism contest
The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one
coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how
much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of
ever having a flat stomach.
4. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition
in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
5. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
6. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
7. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that
picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
8.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Psychiatrists
vs. Bartenders
Ever
since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed
I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me
three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’ ‘How
much do you charge?’ ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the
doctor. ‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said. Six months later the doctor met
me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were
having?’ he asked. ‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a
year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’ ‘Is
that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?’ ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t
nobody under there now!’
Ten of The Best Witty and Funny Church Signs
1. Notice in a church parking lot.
Trespassers will be baptised.
2. If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep.
Talk to the Shepherd.
3. Do not wait for the hearse to take you
to church.
4. How will you spend eternity – Smoking
or Non-smoking?
5. Fight truth decay — study the Bible
daily.
6. No God – No Peace. Know God – Know
Peace.
7. Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
8. When the restaurant next to a chapel
put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the chapel
reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
9. Come work for the Lord. The work is
hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are
out of this world.
10. In the dark? Follow the Son.
Today’s Thought
The
best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
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