VALENTINE'S GROANERS
Q.
What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A.
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A.
Hog and kisses!
Q.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A.
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q.
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A.
"I'm sweet on you!"
Q.
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A.
"You're fun to hang around with."
Q.
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A.
He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q.
What did the pencil say to the paper?
A.
"I dot my i's on you!"
Q.
What did one light bulb say to the other?
A.
"I love you a whole watt!"
Travel Advisory
A
government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions
should carry along these ten things:
1.
Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
2.
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
3.
24 hours supply of food and drink
4.
De-icer
5.
5 pounds of rock salt
6.
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
7.
Road flares and reflective triangles
8.
Tow rope, 5 gallon gasoline can
9.
First aid kit
10.
Jumper cables
I felt
like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
At a proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
Car Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off!!!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car." Yep it's the golden years...............
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off!!!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car." Yep it's the golden years...............
Letter From
Management - The Perfect Worker
1
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Today’s Thought
If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.
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