Friday's Funnies

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A  Narrow Escape

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Yes I Can!

On the farm where I was raised, home canning was a big thing. Most folks had a garden and ate out of it all summer; the surplus was put up in bottles for the winter. The common saying was: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."

Signs of the Times

• Sign outside a secondhand shop: "We Exchange Anything: Bicycles, Washing Machines, etc. Bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain."
• Sign on a repair shop door: "We Can Fix Anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the Bell Doesn't Work.)
• Notice in a health food window: "Closed Due To Illness"
• Sign in a laundromat: "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
• Sign in an office kitchen: "After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board."

See ya

Money talks, but it has only a one-word vocabulary: "Goodbye!"

Loose-fitting

Lucy teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose-fitting clothing to the class.  “Honey,” the lady replied, “if I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t be signing up for an exercise class.”

A Life-Saver

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Oooo...

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field. A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a cow, with his Bible in its mouth! The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle. "Not really a miracle," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

Looking for Space

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.   "Going out?" I called to them.   "No," said the man. "Just friends."