Friday's Funnies

Mixed Message

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter. It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

The Educated One

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?" My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply: "No — Door! Trust me. I went to college."

Tired

A neighbor said to me, "Steve, you look tired." "I am," I said. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups." "Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?" "Well, I did the first one in 1986."

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
John

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn’t rain.

Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Grandma

Grandchild: "Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Grandma! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!"

Grandmother: "What trick is that, dear?"

Grandchild: "I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. “

SIGNS THAT YOU ATTEND A SMALL CHURCH

~ You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.

~ You meet in the Pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.

~ The church bus is a mini-van that carries seven passengers.

~ Pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.

~ Offering is taken up only once a month.

~ Youth group age goes to 30.

~ Senior Adults age start at 40.

~ Children's Church is cancelled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.

~ There are more people in the choir than in the congregation.

~ Pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Recall?

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.