Funnies for 7/13/07

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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THE ONLY COUNTRY

Ours is the only country in the world where people pay $200,000 for a house and then leave it for two weeks every summer to sleep in a tent.

THAT EXPLAINS IT

A newbie got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. The newbie separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached him at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, sir" said the newbie, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" The newbie replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

MY JOB HISTORY

- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
- Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job. - Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
- I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
- I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
- My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
- I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
- Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.
- I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
- I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
- I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
- So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
- After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
- My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

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This blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.