Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mark. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Chad and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
FOR
DADS...
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers
never get a chance to use much of it.
Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it
awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height),
why junk food is bad for you.
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's
Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on,
they demanded their allowances in gold.
Vaccinations
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman. "Do you feel light-headed?" "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
Groaners
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, that I could do
it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A
Thesaurus.
You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a
bad example.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Don't spell "part" backwards. It's a trap.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a
can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse
is?"
Dad: "No sun.”
A history degree is so useless there’s no future in it
I’m not a fan of elevator music it’s bad on so many
levels
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don’t know
what you’re missing
The Guide
The Niagara Falls tour group crowded into the large elevator and as the
elevator doors closed I turned to the group and introduced myself, "Hi,
I'm Ellie, your guide. Generally we sing a song going down. What would you like
to sing?" A gentleman suggested a familiar song and the entire group was
soon belting it out. The doors opened and I stepped out leading the group. In
moments I turned and smiled at the sightseers, "People, I'm not really
your tour guide, but have a great day!" There followed three seconds of
silence, then laughter and light applause. With the ice broken, and a shared
sense of adventure we went to see the Falls.
Really?
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a
cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"
Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away in 1827, he was buried in Vienna’s Central Cemetery. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So, the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
Dad Joke
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Today’s Thought
The older you get the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.
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