Friday, June 3, 2022

Friday's Funnies

 Savings

 

Started to go to the gym this morning and couldn't find my membership card. A new one is $15. A donut and coffee is $5. Guess who saved $10?!

 

Sleepless Accountant

 

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. "Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked.  "I did, and that's what got me into trouble," the accountant replied. "I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it."

My Own Boss

 

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said: "Turn left here."

 

SO PUNNY

 

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

52 cards: 1 decacards

3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:  1 I.V. League

 

Vacation Time

 

A new resort hotel opened up on the coast. I decided to use some of my vacation time and take the family there for a change and a rest.  The bellboy got the change and the hotel got the rest…

 

Fundamental Rules To Singing The Blues


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pounds."

3. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

4. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a gator be chomping on it is.

5. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. Same with substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Funny

 

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.  The man checked his shirt, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally, it was too much for him. He asked her, "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"  Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

 

The Prodigal Son

 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."  At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

 

Punishment

 

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sunset on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness and admitted that they deserved punishment.  The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."  A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.  "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"  "Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused, and then said, "But I boiled them first."

Ticketed

 

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.  "So, have you learned anything?" asked the cop.  "Yes, I have," I began. "I've learned it's time to find a new way home from work."

 

Dad Joke

 

I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  He said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".

 

Today's Thought

 

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.

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