Friday's Funnies

Wrong Size

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck, and the shirt was size 12. When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, "Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I'd write more, but I'm all choked up."

 

The Accident

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming, "You rotten driver, you wrecked my Mercedes! I'm a lawyer, and I'm going to sue you for everything you have!" The other man responds, "You lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm." The lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my Rolex!"

Neighborly Love

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."  "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.  "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."  "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

 

Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic who was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands and said, "So doc, look at this engine, I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put 'em back and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

Spanish Bible

My family was visiting a church and the minister announced they had both Spanish and English Bibles for use during the service.  My youngest son tugged at my sleeve and whispered, "Mommy, I want one of those Spanish Bibles."  "Don't be silly, you can't read Spanish," I quickly rejoined.  Holding out his own Bible to me, my kindergartner explained, "Mom, I can't read English either."

 

The Ten Most Common Forms Of Office Illness

1. The Macy's-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I'm-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don't-Know-How-Long-It's-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend's-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I'm-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn't-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There's-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It's-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I'm-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I've-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won't-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I've-Got-The-Doctor's-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

 

Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," a boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

 

Words Of Comfort

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Worried Mom

Little Johnny's mom was worried.  She hadn't seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum, in days. She asked: "Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?" A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

Mom: "Well, is she all right?"

Johnny: "She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

Mom: "At me?  Whatever for?"

Johnny: "She said its none of your business how old she is."

 

Lawyer Joke

A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast. The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages. A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$175 due for a consultation."

 

Dad Joke

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

 

Today’s Thought

Always give 100%. Unless you're giving blood.