Friday's Funnies

 Valentine’s Day

 

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day. "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony. "That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

 

He Said It

 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"  "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks. "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

 

Parenting

 

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So, I hid her keys, headbutted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

 

Aging

 

You know you've grown up when a nap no longer feels like a punishment but a reward.

 

Nothing

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

30K Words

 

He: "This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words."
She: "That's probably because a woman has to say everything twice."
He: "What?"

Making a Will

 

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says, "Don't worry. Leave it all to me." The man, looking somewhat upset said, "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"

City Fisherman

 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does." "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it." "Well, okay." After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth," he said.

 

Pulled Over

 

"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."

 

Christian One-Liners

 

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.
2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
3. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
4. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
5. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
6. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
7. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
8. To make a long story short, don't tell it.
9. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
10. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Quarantine

 

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You weren’t really skinny to begin with!

Time of death: 11:00 pm

Cause: COVID

 

Dad Joke

 

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can't just be a coincidence.