Concerned Woman
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much
worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair
all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's
wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing...there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."
Fund Raiser
If anyone wants to sponsor me, I'm doing a 0.0000000025km
run to raise awareness for laziness.
Math Class
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4
and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"
Jury Duty
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked
to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want
her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But
the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to
convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam,"
he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A
wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the
$12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well,
okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong
about capital punishment after all."
The Zoo with Daddy
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents
for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked
when they returned home. "Great!"
Little Johnny replied excitedly. "Did
you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy really liked it, too,"
exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at
30 to 1!"
Breakfast
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order:
"I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights." The waitress, not
wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy
out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he
think, this is an auto parts store?!" "No," the cook says.
"Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two
eggs sunny side up." "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about
this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The
guy says, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I
thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might
want to gas up."
First Things First
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the
woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why
don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a
home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later,
the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had
gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on
washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
By The Book
An elderly woman in our church congregation had an older-model car that was in
excellent condition. As she was driving to town one afternoon, her car was
struck by another auto. The insurance company told her that, after considering
the car's age, they would give her a settlement on the damage. When the check
arrived, she was unhappy with the low amount and went to see her insurance
agent. Pulling open his desk drawer, he said, "I have a little blue book
in here that says that's all your car is worth." "Well," she
replied, "I have a little black book at home that says, `Thou shalt not
steal.'" She got a higher settlement.
Say what?
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were
much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said
nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
It's So Hot ...
1. The
birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground
2. The
trees are whistling for dogs
3. The
best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
4. Hot
water comes from both taps
5. You
learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
6. The
temperature drops below 90 degrees and you feel a little chilly
7. You
discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car
8. You
actually burn your hand opening the car door
9. You
break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
10. Potatoes
are cooking underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter
11. Cows
are giving evaporated milk
12. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Dad Joke
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on
closing up their own incision? Suture self.
Today’s Thoughts
·
Why do we have to wait until night to call it a
day?
·
So if a cow can’t produce milk, is it a milk dud
or an udder failure?
·
Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist
change places.
·
I am at the age where each day is a wonder. I wonder what is going to hurt today.
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