Friday's Funnies

 

Happy Easter

One Easter, a father was teaching his son to drive when out of nowhere a rabbit jumped on the road.  Slamming on the brakes, the son said, "I nearly ruined Easter! I almost ran over the Easter Bunny."  His father replied, "It's okay son—you missed it by a hare."

Paintbrush

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $100 to paint his porch.  A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished, but you should know that your car's a Mercedes, not a Porsche."

Spray Paint

A man went to see his doctor. "Someone sprayed graffiti all over my house last night," he said. "Why are you telling me," asked the confused doctor. "I couldn't understand the writing," the man replied. "Was it you?"

Paint Roller

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman rolling paint onto the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy jackets, even though it was a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the jackets on such a hot day.  The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: "For best results, put on two coats."

One-Liners

·         When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

·         A backward poet writes inverse.

·         He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

·         When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

·         A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·         When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

·         A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

Watcha Talk?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stands on a large box and asks, "Can you all see me now?" They respond, "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." (Hint: Say it out loud.)

Riddle

Question: Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?
Answer: Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little Bigger!

Sacked!

One night a burglar, needing money to pay his taxes, decided to burgle a safe in a mom and pop grocery store. On the safe door was a note that read "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle." He was quite pleased with this turn of events so he followed the instructions. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire store was floodlighted, and alarms started sounding. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been terribly shaken."

What A Comfort

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure. While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn't think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, "Don't worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed." "I am sure you are right. I'm being silly," Mary said, "Please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Working Out

New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one — not the fat one." After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband — the fat one."

Church Bloopers

~ The group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school had their meeting cancelled: There will be no Moms who care this week.

~ Diana and David request your presents at their wedding.

~ Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

~ Childcare provided with reservations.

~ Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

~ Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

~ My joke is easy and my burden is light.

~ Boars of Trustees meet after church today.

~ We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.

Today’s Thought

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!