Thinking Alike
A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: "I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike." Mary, his loving new bride commented: "You'll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents."
Donations
A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister
who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're
building. I hope you'll give what you
can." "To be sure," said
the beleaguered woman. "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of
each."
Milestone
One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.
Random One Liners
- You
want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
- What
kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
- My
New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.
- Why
don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really
good at it.
- What's
the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? One requires
tweetment and the other requires Oinkment.
- What
time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
- Why
can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
- My
grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
- It's
amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always
exactly fits in the newspaper.
- You
can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then
what you've lost is a pigeon.
- Did
you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines
everywhere.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She
wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her
friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size. "Buffy,"
she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?" "Ten," said
Buffy. So the girl bought the ten rolls
of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought
ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did
I."
Meet My Dogs
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs. She asked,
"What are their names?" The friend replied, "That one is
Rolex and this one is Timex." The girl said "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "What's wrong with it?"
said the friend, "they're watch dogs."
Chocolate Covered Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he
is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of
peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him
on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats
this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch
again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts
yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she
replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Then why do you buy them?" The old
lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
The Famous Man
One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there, everybody greeted him warmly. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" The old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."
Getting Wiser?
Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just
get older. I read in Reader's Digest of
a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of
his 91-year-old father. The older man began to setup the bean poles in straight
lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They
argued for several minutes over which method was best. Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my
garden, and I want to use the teepees!"
The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting
as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"
Hospital Visitation
Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" "My life insurance policy."
Dad Joke
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in
France? Da brie was everywhere!
Today’s Thought
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