Crispy Cows
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming. "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit. "We had quite a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch." "Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?" "None of 'em survived the branding."
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?”
Birthday Wish
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Heaven
Everybody on earth died and went to heaven. On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: "I want the men to make two lines - one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines. The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women. Enraged by this, God said to the men: "You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your spouses." Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: "Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son - how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" "I don't know - my wife told me to stand here," replied the man.
Ten Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
Neighbors
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?" The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
Carry-On
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle. Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
Today’s Thought
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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