Friday's Funnies

Questions to Ponder

1. If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

2. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

3. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

4. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

5. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

6. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

7. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

8. Why is it called a TV set if you only get one?

9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Depressed

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."  "Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"  "The passengers on the bus."

Short Puns

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions. (Pun of the Day)

A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work." (A. Mathi)

When the Dow Jones average rises briefly to new heights, it can be referred to as 'Upside Dow!' (Syman Hirsch)

Take a tip from your Creator-- your ears aren't made to shut, but your mouth is. (Renee from Napa)

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over. (Daily Groaner)

Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up. (Pierre Abbat)

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity. (Pun of the Day)

A 4 Iron

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road."
Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."
The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road.
To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
The clerk then says, "Oh! For you it's just a 9 iron then."

Math

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the world do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

Points to Ponder

1.       The price of balloons is going up. They blame it on inflation.

2.       Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

3.       If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

4.       Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

5.       Don't judge folks by their relatives.

6.       The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending — and to have the two as close together as possible.

The Survivor

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, turned around very slowly and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"

Ego Deflation

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Today’s Thought

The trouble with a giving advice is that people want to repay you.