Teenager Driver
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit
offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally
reached their destination. The mother
got out of the car and said, "Thank you!" "Anytime," her daughter replied. As the woman slammed the door, she said,
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Healthy Living
My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner!
Mostly croutons & tomatoes.
Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the
trash.
2. Grill some
Meat.
I just did a
week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet
in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet
through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Reality
A thief broke into my house last night......He started
searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
Old Dog
My sister's dog had been deaf and blind for years. When
she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. As I
explained this to my seven-year-old son, he asked if Jazzy would go to heaven.
I said I thought she would, and that in dog heaven, she would be healthy again
and able to do her favorite thing: chase squirrels. Jacob thought about that for a minute, then
said, "So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell."
Things A Cat Thinks About
~ I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
~ Is there something I'm not getting when humans make
noise with their mouths?
~ Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats,
why can't we cats ever get the stupid dogs to do anything for us?
~ This looks like a good spot for a nap.
~ Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
~ Would humans have built a civilization on their own if
cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first
place?
~ If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky
just to let them know who's boss.
Origins
A little girl asked her father, "How did the human
race come about?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later she asks
her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there
were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to
her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the
human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?" The
father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my
side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."
The Unasked Question
At the trial, the train crewman insisted that he had
given the driver ample warning at the crossing by waving his lantern back and
forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd
done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the crewman when it was over.
"You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he
said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried." "How's that?"
the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was
lit!"
Survival
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival
in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important
things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the
back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied:
"A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's
that, Timmy?" "Well,"
answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to
prevent dehydration..." "And
what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing
Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine
on top of that black ten!'"
24 Hours
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says,
"Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news
first or the very bad news?" The
guy shrugs and says, "Well, I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours
to live," the doctor replies. The
man is distraught, "24 hours to live?! That's horrible! What could be
worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs,
"The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Today’s Thought
The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked,
“What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s
coming.
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