Friday's Funnies

The Fatherhood Cycle

 

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

 

Touché

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand." The witness promptly replied, "If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Occupational Hymns

 

Switchboard Operator: "There's A Call Comes Ringing

Voice Teacher: "Sing Them Over Again To Me"

 

Reasons It's Time To Buy a New Car

 

- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

- The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for three days.

- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

- Thieves repeatedly break in to your car just to steal the "Club."

- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

- For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

 

Making Plans

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

 

English Lesson

 

An English teacher rolled through a stop sign and was pulled over by a police officer -- a former student!  "Ms. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."

 

Texting

 

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

In Trouble

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:

- the FDA for turning water into wine without a license

- the EPA for killing fig trees

- the AMA for practicing medicine without a license

- the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness

- the NEA for teaching without a certificate

- OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane

- the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and

- the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

 

40^th Anniversary

 

A couple is planning their 40th anniversary party.

She: "I think I'll wear silver shoes."

He: "To match your hair!"

She: "Yes, dear -- so I suppose you'll be barefoot..."

 

Taxi Grad

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.  He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"  "I'm the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."  The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of 1969." 

 

The Top 10 Things Not To Do At Your Child’s Performance Or Sports Event

 

10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave."

9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

8. With your buddies, spell out your child's name on your chests.

7. Mimic the conductor.

6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

5. Clip your toenails.

4. Wear a multi-colored wig and hold up a large, confusing sign.

3. In the middle of the violin piece, say loudly to the person next to you, "That reminds me...I need to take our cat to the vet."

2. Wear your wife's old cheerleading outfit.

1. Two words: cow bell.

 

Today’s Thought

 

You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.