Friday's Funnies

ROTC Cadets

After a rigorous drilling program, a group of ROTC cadets was about to board the trucks back to the barracks. Just for fun, the cadets fell into formation with their caps on backward.  The lieutenant in charge was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the cadet leader, "Cadet! I want to see those caps facing front *Immediately!*"  The young cadet captain was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, "About face!"

Overbearing Friend

My good friend is more aggressive at work than she realizes. After she had her annual performance review, I asked, "How did it go?"  "They had written that I was overbearing," she replied with a shrug. "I made them take it off."

Hunters

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their truck.  Another hunter approached pulling his along too.  "Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."  After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.  A little while later one Congressman said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"  "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

 

More Idiot Error Messages

 

ESO: Equipment Smarter than Operator

TSTO: Too Stupid To Operate

EBK: Error Behind Keyboard

PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.

Code 18: The problem is located 18 inches away from the monitor.

EEOC: Equipment Exceeds Operator Capabilities

OHE: Operator Headspace Error

PICNIC: Problem In Chair Not In Computer

 

Doctor, Doctor!

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Well, pull yourself together."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"

"Hmmmm... Let's hope nothing develops."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  I feel like a deck of cards!"

"I'll deal with you in a minute."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  My son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"

"Use a pencil 'till I get there."

 

Young Entrepreneur

Hailey wants to open up a sort of "lemonade stand" on our street, except that it will be selling "Happiness" for 10 cents. "What do they get for their 10 cents?" "I get to throw a water balloon at them." "And that will make them happy?" "Maybe, maybe not. But it will make me happy! And I get their money."

The Metamorphosis

I was looking through my closet for something to wear, but nothing was calling out to me. So I sought my three-year-old's opinion. "What do you think I should change into?" I asked. He thought awhile before replying, "A butterfly."

The Building Fund

A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program." The pastor continued, "The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Groaners

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they’d like to, but didn’t want to make spectacles of themselves.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat? The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

First Day at Work

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." 
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.  "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Today’s Thought



I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Don't buy it.