Say It With Flowers
A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers." He says, "One rose, please." "Just one?" asks the florist. "Yes. I'm a man of few words."
Food Valentines
A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers." He says, "One rose, please." "Just one?" asks the florist. "Yes. I'm a man of few words."
Food Valentines
Cabbage always has a heart, green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato, will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye, you know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together, we'd make a perfect Pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip, to prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me, let's let our tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, bee my Honey, dear; Or
tears will fill Potato's eyes, while Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say, our dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery, so be my VALENTINE.
Professors Define a Kiss
Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love
compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance
between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of the mouth
due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the
interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two
orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is
profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the
demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the
child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a
conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it
is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with
that term.
False Teeth
A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.
A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.
The mind of a Dog vs. a Cat
Dog: You pet me, feed me, play with me, love me ... you must
be a god!
Cat: You pet me, feed me, play with me, love me ... I must
be a god!
Grandma's Grace
On her golden wedding anniversary, a grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose 10 of my husband's faults, which (for the sake of our marriage) I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them; but whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the 10.'"
On her golden wedding anniversary, a grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose 10 of my husband's faults, which (for the sake of our marriage) I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them; but whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, 'Lucky for him that's one of the 10.'"
Early Bakers
Q: Why do bakers go to work so early in the morning?
A: They knead the dough!
A: They knead the dough!
WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE
~ I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...
but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
~ Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa
today.
~ I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the
U.S. Department of Justice.
~ I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in
six to eight months with good behavior.
~ I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
Favorite Restaurant
A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new
church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were
good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant
afterwards. During the pastor's rather
fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil
he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a
pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out,
"To my favorite restaurant!"
Talented
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone or pinning the tail on the
donkey. But I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
Today’s Thought
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow? It's making
headlines.
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