Church For Everyone
A church congregation decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who'd lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had bad experiences with churches and were complaining about it. The church came up with a different name for each of the four services: "Finders," "Keepers," "Losers," "Weepers."
A church congregation decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who'd lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had bad experiences with churches and were complaining about it. The church came up with a different name for each of the four services: "Finders," "Keepers," "Losers," "Weepers."
Sven & Ole
Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!" Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!" Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
The Hereafter
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"
Silence Is Golden
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Wearing multiple hats
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am — in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement — I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"
Silence Is Golden
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Wearing multiple hats
In one small town the Sheriff was also the
Veterinarian. One night an agitated citizen phoned him: "We need you
right away!" "Do you need me as the sheriff or the vet?”
"Both! We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in
it!"
Birthday idea
Guy 1: "It's the wife's birthday today. Last week I
asked her what she wanted as a present."
Guy 2: "So what did she ask for?"
Guy 1: "She said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me
something with diamonds.' And so I'm
giving her a deck of playing cards."
The South
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all
never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Alabama - A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a
couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one's gonna steal Henry!"
Louisiana - A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard
saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana
..." When asked why, he replied, "I'd
rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later
than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi - The young man from Mississippi came running
into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your
pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell,
but I got yer license number."
North Carolina - A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled
off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front
of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by,
and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was. The man replied, "I
got a flat tahr." The passerby asked,
"But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee - A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup
on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas - The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep,"
he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For
Dumping Garbage.' "
Today’s thought
Years ago some research found that if all the people who
slept in church were laid end to end...they would be a lot more comfortable.
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