Friday's Funnies

Reassurance

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

Cleaning day

Saturday had always been “cleaning day” in at our house, and my mother still adhered to the ritual even after all her children had left the nest. When I stopped by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find her relaxing in a favorite chair.  “Aren’t you feeling well?” I asked.  “I feel fine.”  “But you’re not cleaning.”  “After all these years I’ve finally figured out how to get it done in half the time,” Mom told me. “I simply take off my glasses.”

Great writer

I met an old University friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer.  When I asked him to define ‘great’, he had said: “I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  Just discovered he’s now working for Microsoft… writing error messages.

Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words")

To write with a broken pencil is . . . Pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . Take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . Got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . Was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . Free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . Dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . And a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . You can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . Hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . You've seen a mall.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was . . . Resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . Jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone . . . It is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . . . it's your count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . . It goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . Was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . Which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . She thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . A jab well done.

Family problems

Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids.

After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? Get a load of my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. Wow! You think you have family problems."

Today’s Thought

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.