Friday's Funnies

Ode to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash its windows, scrub its carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in its bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of its open door and whine, “There’s never anything to EAT in this house”, and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for – when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away – I will be thankful that it’s OVER!

First-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Q & A

Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?

A: He was stuffed!

Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?

A: Because he had the drumsticks!

Old or New Testament

One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"  "Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

Church

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."  "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Too often

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then they discover that once a year is way too often.

LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it - OR the store will stop selling it.

Doctor's Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Turkey Day

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the daylights out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!