Friday's Funnies

Perspective

Garbage collectors were picking up our trash as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out," she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.

Father of the Bride

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Top Signs That You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

• The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians — and you have to check the Table of Contents.
• You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 1960s.
• You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WW2 Savings Bond falls out.
• Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
• Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon you demand to know, "Who gave you this stuff?"
• You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

Honest Reaction

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

First Day of Psychiatry Class


Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.  “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.  “Sadness,” he replied.  “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.  “Elation,” he replied.  “The opposite of woe?” the professor asked a young woman from Texas.  The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”


10 Funny Warning Labels Found on Food Packaging


Cautionary notices on packaging is a good source of humour, here are 10 of our best examples:
1. Suitable for outdoor use. Found on a rain gauge.
2. For use by trained personnel only. On a can of air freshener.
3. Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.
4. Warning: High in sodium. On a salt cellar.
5. Remove the plastic wrapper. The instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn.
6. Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
7. Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
8. Use like regular soap. On a bar of soap.
9. This product is not to be used in bathrooms. On a bathroom heater.
10. Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants. On a bag of cat biscuits.


Whining

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.  Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"   Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"  Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."  Bill: "What are you whining about then? That's what you got!"

PARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.  

Details

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.