Friday's Funnies

Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs, One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you? Sincerely, Your customer

Leftovers
Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Joe, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Joe," I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili." Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."

Diet Excuse #542
"But doctor, I have metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the refrigerator!"

Direct object
Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.

This Is A True Senior's Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Suspicious Phone Call
My mom got a suspicious phone call from a large bookstore retailer here in town. "Ma'am, we are just calling to tell you that your book has arrived. Would you like to come in and pick it up?"

Not to be taken in by just another marketing ploy to get her to buy something she never ordered, she replied, "Really! Well, then, what is the title?"

There was a long pause on the other line and then quite a string of hums and hahs. Mother's smug smile widened with every pause, while she thought, I've outsmarted them!

Finally a response: "Well, uh, the title is uh, 'How to Improve Your Short-Term Memory.'"

"Oh!" (pause) "Well, in that case, I'd better be right over!"

When she got there, they all had a good-natured laugh about it.

Budding Gardener
I took my 4 year old son, Jacob, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

+++++

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'